Speed Dating
by AnberlinEve
Summary: Law goes speed dating with hilarious results, all thanks to a pirate information networking session gone wrong. (Canon universe. Bonny, Robin, Nami and even Alvida and Hancock are included.)


**Disclaimer: **If I owned One Piece, nobody would want to read it.

**A/N: **Finally, I've come up with a scene that's canon and not AU. This is set pre-Punk Hazard and after the two years gap. Luffy and his crew have yet to meet up with Law. No actual pairings here but plain old fun toying with Law's embarrassment. Enjoy.

* * *

By the time he was reluctantly seated in his chair, he had come up with twenty-seven different ways of slowly dissecting his crewmates.

A slow sweep across the hall of numerous round tables draped in tacky red cloth and topped off with a single half wilted rose gave him the smallest of all mercies that there were several expressions similar to his.

Some of them looked as if they wished to crawl away into a hole and be swallowed up by the earth. Quite a few others had their murderous intent written all over their faces. He was surprised but not upset to see Eustass Kid sitting back in a chair with a heavy scowl marring his features. It pleased him the tiniest bit that Kid was similarly stuffed into a black and white tuxedo suit like himself. He looked ready to rip it and the face off anybody who dared to even glance at him.

To his far right, Law could see Bepo and the rest of his crew giving him a silent thumbs up from where they were peering in outside the hall doors.

His dissection scenarios were slowly climbing past thirty.

An ear-shattering screech of the microphone made everyone wince as they looked up at the podium, where someone with a big red nose cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual networking session for the pirates of the New World! As you may know, all of us, including my flashy self, are gathered here for various reasons. But the common thing we do have to gain in my – I mean our – flashy new era, is the exchanging of valuable information, dealings, and the forging of alliances…Of course! It was my dear acquaintance Duval who suggested the adding of this…speed dating activity to the list of events. I myself have absolutely nothing to do with it! Nothing at all! As I am only interested in seeing fellow pirates prosper flashily, and also to seek out certain information about a map…So, without further ado, we shall begin the speed dating, which is again all Duval's idea, followed by the networking and buffet session! Five minutes to a table, you may begin…Now!"

The loud clang of the bell signaled his dreaded doom and he sighed inwardly as someone's shadow fell over his table.

The person who had plopped herself down unceremoniously had cotton candy pink hair and a cheek piercing. But it wasn't her outlandish appearance that made him stare.

She was holding onto a bowl of all kinds of food almost half the size of the table and was tearing into a chicken leg with too much gusto to even spare a glance at him.

"What? Never seen somebody eat before?" She snapped at him in-between huge, lunging bites.

It amazed him how she was able to speak so clearly through her mouthful of food. Her cheeks were so puffed up it reminded him of the time when Bepo had gorged himself on so much fish he resembled a giant, overstuffed white hamster.

"Not to the extent of facing possible stomach rupture." He commented. She looked vaguely familiar, as if he had seen her somewhere back two years earlier…

"So?" She spat at him, sending bits of half chewed bread flying his way. He quickly ducked in distaste at the offensive object.

"Clearly, yours has already been stretched to inhuman proportions."

"Huh? Are you saying I'm going to die early or something?" She asked with narrowed eyes as she stuffed a whole bagel in her mouth.

Pink hair. Cheek piercing. The ability to down enormous amounts of food without choking to death. The image clicked in his mind. _Bingo_.

"You might want to consider the advice if you wish to live long enough to face down _him_." He said with a slight quirk to his lips.

Her attention was immediate. She slammed her fists down on the table hard, startling the surrounding people in the process. When she spoke her voice was riveted in silent rage.

"What do you know of him? Have you seen him around?"

"No, but I've heard he's currently traversing dangerously close to the other Yonkou's territories."

She let out a string of curses under her breath before sitting up and staring him in the eye with a wide grin.

"You're that rookie aren't you? One of the eleven of us. Surgeon of Death, Trafalgar Law. Heard you became one of the government's dogs." She finished with a sneer. "What are you doing here?"

"We're all gathered here for various reasons, Bonny-ya. You're welcome to keep to _him_, and I'll keep to mine." He said in a deceptively blunt undertone, relishing her flash of anger at the sharp meaning behind his words.

She was about to snap back when the bell rang. "Time's up! Rotate!"

"You watch your back in the New World, Trafalgar Law." She threatened, grabbing her bowl off the table and moving away in a huff.

He looked down at his blank scorecard wryly and stuffed it deep into his pockets, making a note to throw it away later after he's done with his crew. He had no use for such things as he was mainly on the lookout for one person. But of course, true to his expectations, that person had not turned up. It rendered him almost mildly disappointed.

The next person who slid into the vacated seat was not anyone he had expected.

"Good evening, Mr Shichibukai." The woman said smoothly as she fluffed her hair neatly into place. "What a lovely surprise, meeting you here."

"Do I know you?" He asked dryly. The woman sported a long plumed hat along with a floor length purple coat over a pink and white dress. Nothing triggered any sort of memory, though the large, spiked iron club she had at her side seemed kind of familiar…

She laughed daintily and fluttered a hand at him. "I keep forgetting some people still might not recognize me after losing my freckles! Of course, being the most beautiful woman in the world gets tiring sometimes when people keep identifying you wherever you go. I presume you know the lady 'Iron Mace' Alvida?"

He failed to see what she was getting at. "The obese woman with the 5,000,000 bounty?"

Her smile appeared to crack at the edges before she smoothed it over with a light chuckle.

"I believe the term you were looking for was voluptuous, but anyway-"

"From what I recall of her bounty poster, her bulk was more horizontally challenged."

"You must have gotten the wrong person then."

"You are speaking of Iron Mace Alvida?"

"Yes-"

"Then I had the right person."

"You must have had the wrong description or mixed her appearance up with someone else. She was not-"

"Healthy. Her body weight distribution suggests large amounts of cellulite growth unhealthy for a woman of her height and age."

The table cracked under the sudden pressure of a heavy iron club. Law sat there calmly perusing the woman before him who had on a wide smile that was growing more forced by the minute.

"I am the most beautiful woman in the world now, and back then as well," she proclaimed regally.

He examined her clinically for a few seconds. If what she had said was the truth, then the transformation was indeed miraculous, even if aesthetic body reconstruction was not his area of expertise.

"Is your surgeon someone I know?" He asked, slightly curious.

Her proud expression turned into one of bafflement.

"I beg your pardon? My…what?"

"Your surgeon. For the liposuction and plastic facial reconstruction. He seems to be quite talented in his field."

She was now gaping at him with a strangely horrified look on her face. Minutes passed, and her open mouthed sputtering was beginning to attract attention from the nearby tables.

"I have no need to know if you don't remember his-"

"Did you just call me _fat and ugly?_" She said, leaning forwards with an aura of dark menace.

It was now his turn to be confused. "No, I asked you who your surgeon was-"

"H-How DARE you call me fat and ugly! Y-you-" She shrieked, stuttering and turning a deep shade of red.

"Time's up! Rotate!"

He found himself all too relieved for the sound of the bell. The angry woman, Alvida he believed, stood up stiffly and heaved several deep breaths to calm down.

Upon composing herself, she flashed the same wide, practiced smile at him from when she had first seated herself at his table. "Well, it is just sad that there exists in this world some people with different judgments in beauty. Perhaps you'll change your mind about that in future. Hopefully when we next meet, your eyes will be open then."

With that, she spun on her heels and stalked off with her head held high.

He was still deliberating what the hell had just occurred when another person sat down calmly across from him.

"Good evening, Trafalgar-san." The woman who greeted him had a serene expression on her face.

He recognized her immediately given her infamous bounty poster, at the same time feeling slight relief that he no longer had to face any more abnormalities. From what he had heard, Nico Robin may have had a dark past, but she wasn't unreasonable or illogical. More importantly, she was closely affiliated with someone he had kept an eye on since the past two years.

"Nico-ya." He nodded in a similar polite greeting. "Might I ask what you are doing here with the other Strawhats?"

The slight smile she shot him was an obscure, albeit polite one. "I'd be glad to share that information with you if you'd be so kind as to divulge yours first."

He mirrored her vague smile. From what he knew of her, she was not an opponent to be underestimated.

"I believe that is more of my personal business. Your captain, however, doesn't seem to care much for any kind of subtlety."

"Which is why he has his crew to watch out for him. There are as many enemies as there are allies in the New World."

He grinned lightly at her hidden meaning behind her words. "Then your captain has nothing to be concerned about in this regard, having spent his time recuperating in my ship with my crew."

He watched as she appeared to contemplate what he had said. "Whatever our captain decides, we as his crew will always go along with his wishes."

He quirked an eyebrow at that. "Even if what he does is completely reckless and stirs up nothing but trouble?"

Her smile widened at his remark and she chuckled a bit as if recalling a fond memory. "It's his natural self and the reason why we got this far."

It was strangely also the reason why they followed him, though he couldn't wrap his mind around why that was so. The rambunctious young man was the type he couldn't stand and the polar opposite of himself, yet he couldn't dispel the magnetic pull he had in picking both friends and enemies alike. Monkey D. Luffy made waves wherever he went, at the same time gaining powerful allies and deadly foes along the way.

"Where is he right now?" He found himself asking.

"Chatting with Hancock-san I think." She replied. That piqued his curiosity, as the reveled Pirate Empress hardly ever ventured past her famous island. To hear that she was associated with Luffy was a surprise. The boy truly knew how to pick his allies, even if it was mostly by accident.

"The rest of your crew is here as well?" He asked, looking around at the tables. He spotted the green haired swordsman currently engaged in an argument with a pink haired girl in a frilly black dress and carrying a large red umbrella. Apart from the telltale blue hair, black top hat and an ecstatically bouncing blond figure he spied far away from his table, the others were out of sight.

"Yes, it was decided that everyone would come here to gather information on the New World."

He absently nodded at her answer as he carried on scanning his surroundings for any signs of a straw hat or trouble brewing.

They continued to sit in mutual silence when she spoke up again, drawing back his attention from observing the tables around him.

"Luffy-san spoke of how you took care of him after the Battle of Marineford. Your assistance during that time is deeply appreciated, especially since we were all…indisposed to help him." She said slowly with a solemn undercurrent in her tone.

"There's no need to thank me. It would only have been a shame to lose a potential rival so soon."

The same obscure half smile was back on her face. "I think Luffy-san might not see it the same way as you."

"That's not for him to decide." He replied flatly.

She said nothing but her smile grew the faintest bit. He pointedly chose to ignore it and return to his silent scrutiny of their whereabouts.

He had just spotted what appeared to be the rim of a straw hat in the far left side of his vicinity when the bell interrupted rudely.

Robin stood up to leave. "Well then, I hope that you will find Luffy-san soon before the session's over."

They exchanged polite goodbyes and she left just as someone he least expected to show up at his table stalked over.

The shadow of Boa Hancock, the Pirate Empress and famed Snake Princess herself loomed over him even as she stood half turned with a deadly glare at Robin's retreating back.

"Who is that woman?" She asked as she sat down, still craning her head to glare at Robin who was currently seated opposite Dracule Mihawk.

"Nico Robin. You may know her better as the Devil's Child." He replied.

The look in her eyes was shrewd when she turned around to face him. "And in what way is she associated with Monkey D. Luffy?"

"She's the archaeologist in his crew. Why the sudden interest, Miss Hancock?" He said, curious as to why the Pirate Empress herself was asking after a man of all things. Her aversion to men was well known throughout her history.

She sniffed haughtily and reclined in her chair with folded arms. "I have no personal interest in the boy. I am only gathering information on him as a targeted troublemaker to the Shichibukai."

"And that includes knowing his relations with his crewmates?" He prodded in mild amusement.

She looked down at him from her proud stance. "You're one to talk, you saved him after the Battle of Marineford. You would've been disposed of on the spot if you were a Shichibukai back then."

She narrowed her eyes at him before continuing on. "But I shall overlook your transgressions today, if you cooperate in sharing whatever information you know of regarding Luffy and his crew."

"What do you wish to know?" He asked in a mocking drawl.

"Who is that red headed woman on board his ship and in what way is she affiliated with Luffy?" She asked in barely concealed rage.

"You must mean Nami-ya, she's the navigator of their crew." He replied and then smirked a bit as a thought occurred to him. "I don't know how close he is to her personally, but she is the only person to hit him other than the blond cook."

"WHAT!" Her echoing screech was so loud the entire room quieted down for a few seconds. After recovering from her embarrassment, Hancock leaned forwards with a disturbingly intense look in her eyes.

"_Who is this Nami-ya? And who is this other blonde?"_ She said through gritted teeth.

He had to force back a chuckle at this turn of events. "She's Cat Burglar Nami. The one whose bounty picture looks like a pin-up poster. The blond is Black Leg Sanji-"

He watched as her face blanched as grey as her stone statues before reverting back to its angry purple hue.

"A _thief! _And another _filthy male who hits him_?" She shrieked in horror. "Why does Luffy keep such people who openly abuse him as his crewmates?"

"The same reason why they trust a captain as reckless and childish as him."

She appeared to be so distraught over the idea of Nami and Sanji it hadn't dawned on her that he had insulted Luffy in his process of explaining.

"Are the thief and the dark woman the only two females aboard? Which one of them is closer to him?" She asked in what looked to be trepidation.

"They are the only two females in his crew that I know of. As for who is closer to him, I can only presume it's Nami-ya. She knew him longer than Nico-ya."

The Pirate Empress' face grew increasingly clenched and lobster red with rage, much to his silent mirth. It appeared that not even the famed man hater and entitled 'most beautiful woman in the world' was infallible to Luffy's 'charms'.

"And do they…share any relationship other than as crewmates and friends?" She asked with baited breath.

"I wonder, what this has to do with gathering information that's valuable to the headquarters." He said with a provocative smile.

Her defense was immediate. "Any information can prove its worth, you never know if the person closest to Luffy will betray him or if she can be used as a bargaining chip by someone else. Now stop evading the question and tell me."

"I don't think anything can happen between Luffy and any female for that matter. His eyes are too full of the one real prize to care about other things." Law replied callously.

She appeared to mince over his words in internal conflict before finally settling on her usual proud demeanor.

"I suppose that is so," was all she said when the bell rang and the hollered 'time's up' signaled the end of their interesting discussion.

She hadn't bothered with a goodbye and was walking away when her path ironically coincided with none other than the thief on Strawhat-ya's ship.

He observed as the Pirate Empress openly glared down her nose at the redheaded female, pointing at her and loudly declaring her to be "beneath her notice", to which the only response the navigator gave was a bewildered expression.

She was still wearing the exasperated look on her face even as she sat down across from him without acknowledging his presence.

"-the hell is her problem. First, the bastard Kid, now this. Well, at least it could've been-" She turned to face him and the words died down in her mouth.

"-Worse." She appeared startled to see him, though that quickly faded into a mask of wariness.

"Wait, you're that guy from Sabaody, what did Luffy say again…" She pondered, trailing off in thought.

"Torao right?" She asked, seemingly oblivious to his frown at the nickname.

"Trafalgar Law, Miss Nami." He corrected.

The reveal of his full name caused something to click behind her eyes and she regarded him with a strangely guarded yet quizzical expression, as if calculating what to make of his second impression.

He raised a mocking eyebrow at her when she remained silent in her shrewd scrutiny of him.

"If you're thinking of stealing my wallet, I've left it back in the submarine." He said lightly, trying to gauge a reaction out of her.

She looked slightly startled at first and then scoffed at him to his mild surprise.

"If that's what makes you feel safe, sure, you just told me where you kept it." She said before breaking into a sly smirk. "Besides, why would I be interested in your measly wallet, when I've already got something far better to aim for."

"Which is?" He asked wryly.

She said nothing but gestured towards the huge lucky draw box on stage. If her reputation was anything to go by, she had probably already rigged the entire thing up to only flash her name as the winner.

"But enough about me," she said, her expression taking a more serious turn. "What does a Shichibukai such as yourself want with Luffy?"

His grin widened a bit at that. He had expected that Nico-ya would relay to the rest of the crew his intent on seeking out Strawhat-ya. What he hadn't anticipated was the speed in which that information had been spread.

"I take it Nico-ya told you?"

"I asked her first actually, you two looked like you were discussing something more important than your favourite colours and mutual taste in hobbies." She said with an impatient wave of her hand and leaned forwards with narrowed eyes. "What does a Shichibukai with a questionable reputation have in mind for seeking out our captain?"

"That is between him and me, and my rank as a Shichibukai has nothing to do with it." He replied brusquely.

She continued to regard him closely before speaking again. "Didn't think you were the type to work for the government."

"There's plenty you don't know about me, Nami-ya." He drawled mockingly.

She appeared unfazed by his comment and paused for a fleeting moment. When she spoke, her tone was markedly softer and more cordial in nature. "Didn't think you would have saved Luffy back then, but you did…So, in a way, thank you for taking care of our idiot captain."

He wondered if all of Strawhat-ya's crew would be thanking him one by one by the end of the night. He was beginning to sound like a broken record with nothing to playback.

"No need to thank me, it was-"

"Simply a pity to have a rival gone so soon." She cut in, finishing his sentence for him with a crafty smile. "Yeah, Robin told me that too. Well, regardless of your motive for seeking out Luffy, you might find yourself with more than you can handle."

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind." He remarked coolly. He was well aware of the boy's bold, impulsive ways, which would prove a problem if they were to work together in the future. Or against each other, if it came down to that.

"Just out of curiosity, are the rest of your crew here as well?" She asked.

"Bepo and the rest are outside the hall." He replied, scowling a bit at the reminder of the thirty-something dissection scenarios he had planned out in his head.

"I see, wouldn't it be a hassle having to send someone back to resurface and retrieve the others later?"

"We're docked near the town's coastline so that doesn't pose a problem."

"Ah, wouldn't the heat from the bonfires on the beaches get to your bear then?"

"It's shadier and nobody comes near the cliffs so that doesn't bother him."

"I see, but isn't it cold at night though? Especially if you have to keep climbing up and down the deck sometimes on your patrols?"

"Shachi's the one doing the patrolling. The cabins are deeper below deck so the cold air doesn't get in." He answered impassively, growing bored of her insipid questioning.

Still, there was a faint niggling sensation at the back of his head, like he was forgetting something…

His eyes snapped to hers in a sudden spark of realization at what she was doing. Based on her slow grin, she appeared to know of his dawning conclusion on her tactics.

"There's no need to worry about your wallet on board your ship." She said with a smirk. "You haven't pissed me off like some people yet so it's fairly safe in the lower decks."

He inwardly chided himself for being caught off guard and foolishly disclosing his ship's whereabouts to another crew. Although, on the other hand, it didn't matter either way depending on Strawhat-ya's answer. Still, there was one thing he was curious about…

"Some people?" He asked.

She swiftly looked around before pulling a tattered looking brown wallet out from under the jacket she was wearing.

"Ex-property of Eustass Kid." She declared in wicked delight, dangling it like a prized catch.

Before he could question her further the bell rang again. "Time's up! Rotate! Last round!"

She stood up from her seat with a light smile. "Well, it's been nice talking to you, Torao-kun, if you're looking for Luffy, you don't need to anymore."

He was about to ask her what she meant when the subject of their discussion popped up out of nowhere with a loud greeting.

"Traffy! Robin told me you were here. Thanks for showing me the way, Nami!" He said, waving an enthusiastic goodbye to the cunning thief.

He then settled himself comfortably into the seat, oblivious of the surrounding stares at the _only spot in the vicinity that had two guys to a table_.

If Law had previously been amongst the latter group of people who had murder painted all over their faces, he would kill for a hole to disappear into right then.

Luffy remained impervious to his mortification. "You were looking for me, Torao?"

"I was planning to. After the session." Law replied tersely, trying to keep down the rising feeling of irritation.

"That's ok cause' we're here together now. What're you doing here? Did you come for the speed dating? Sanji was all excited about that until Nami said she wanted to come too. Then Robin suggested we all go to find out more about the New World. Do you think they'll serve meat later?"

It hadn't been two minutes into their conversation and his patience was already beginning to fray slowly.

"Strawhat-ya," he began to say. "I've got a proposal for you and your crew."

"What proposal? Don't you need a ring for that kind of thing?" Luffy asked in all innocence, confusion written across his features.

He had to fight down the growing urge to snap at him in annoyance.

"A plan. I have a plan for you and your crew." He said, biting out the words with increased effort.

"Sounds cool! What plan?" Luffy asked in excitement, riveting his entire attention on Law.

Grateful that they were finally back on track, Law leaned forwards with a serious gleam in his eyes. "You and I have the same goal in mind here-" he started to say.

"What – food?"

"-in the New World." He continued, blatantly ignoring Luffy's interruption. "If you wish to live long enough to find One Piece, it will only be a matter of time before you're forced to go up against the remaining three Yonkou."

"But Shanks is my friend! Why would he-"

"_Two_ Yonkou-"

"You forgot that Blackbeard guy."

"Blackbeard will be another problem to be dealt with later. He's most likely going to clash with Big Mom first and he already has the World Government after his head so we have no need to be concerned on that front. If you and I team up, we can take down one of the other Yonkou with our combined-"

"Not Shanks."

"_Kaidou_. I was going to propose that we form an alliance together to take down _Kaidou_." He finished through gritted teeth, feeling more exhausted and vexed than he had been when his crew had forced him into the tuxedo suit for the session's dress code.

"Why didn't you say so earlier!" Luffy exclaimed excitedly with a widespread grin. "Alright, I'll do it then."

Law heaved an inward sigh of relief and was about to elaborate on his plans further when Luffy rudely interrupted again with a senseless question.

"Wait, what's an alliance? You mean like _nakama_?"

Law was steadily growing stumped for answers. "No, it's not exactly that. We will only be working together temporarily for a common goal."

"Ah. I see. Kaidou is alright, I guess. I was kinda hoping it'd be Big Mom though." Luffy mused out loud.

"And why is that?" Law asked with furrowed brows.

"Because then I'll get to kick her ass like what I promised her I'd do back in Fishman Island." Luffy replied, chuckling a bit as if recalling an amusing memory.

"You – _what_!" Law shouted, unable to hold back his shock at what Luffy had just said.

They were beginning to attract even more stares all around but that was the least of his problems. He could only stare speechless at the reckless boy before him who was currently digging his nose nonchalantly as if _declaring war on not one but_ _two Yonkou_ was something the average person with half an inch of intelligence did on a daily basis.

He was beginning to wonder if the entire idea of an alliance had been a huge mistake. Pushing back his qualms, he reckoned he could still make the most out of it once he got Luffy to keep to his plans.

"Where are you headed to next?" He asked.

Luffy scratched his head in puzzlement. "I don't know. You'll have to ask Nami that."

He should have known a captain such as Strawhat-ya would have no inkling on the directions of his ship.

"Nevermind that, I need you to change your current pathway to point to a certain island. Its location will be tricky to track but your navigator should be able to manage," he said. "Come to the submarine after the entire session is over and I'll give you the details and run through the rest of the plans."

"Alright then, where're you docked at?" Luffy asked.

"Ask Nami-ya, she should have already figured it out by now." He replied, just as the bell rang for the last time.

Luffy leapt to his feet and flashed a wide grin at him. "I'll do that, thanks for proposing to me, Traffy! I'll meet you later in your cabin!"

He then raced off in the direction of the buffet tables, leaving Law behind in a crowd of tittering laughter at Luffy's loud proclamation.

He decided that the forty-something dissection scenarios would look best with Strawhat-ya as the main attraction.


End file.
